For those who know me personally, you are well aware that my house is not a home without a dog. My family felt the same and we always had at least one pup when I was a child. I now have two wonderful furry critters, both rescues, which I hold near and dear to my heart. One is 13 years old, while the other is around 7. The younger one is often my therapy assistant, coming to work with me and allowing my clients to love on her as they open up their souls to heal from the happenings of their own human condition.
Recently my older dog was diagnosed with an inoperable tumor which surrounds a vital nerve in his neck. For several days he was unable to walk and cried in excruciating pain. This both terrified me and filled me with sorrow as I remained helpless until a diagnosis could be made and pain medication could be effectively administered. The challenge now is maintaining my own composure knowing that his life will be ending, along with my daily connection with this amazing furry creature.
This experience has raised my own consciousness about loss, one in which I am all too familiar. Having had older parents, three of my four grandparents had passed away before I was in highschool. My father died when I was 21, followed shortly by the remaining grandparent. All blood-related aunts and uncles had passed away by the time I was 30, and my oldest brother passed away last November. I have also experienced the loss of close friends while in high school and college. In some ways, I guess you could say that this makes me very good at 'loss'. I've had multiple opportunities to practice grieving and have come to know myself quite well in what how I handle these occasions.
However, in the situation with my beloved pup, I'm becoming ever so conscious of the fact that I am not good at the process of 'losing'. Somehow knowing that his life will be siginificantly shortened has thrown a whole new wrench in my ability to 'lose' gracefully. Knowing that at any minute the tumor could get worse and I will have to see him suffer-- and then make the decision of when to let him go-- has added a whole new dimension to the idea of being a good 'loser'. Perhaps it is the unknown of how and when it will happen, or whether I will feel I've done enough to ease his discomfort and show my own unconditional love to this truly unconditional creature.
As a result of my new awareness of 'losing', my consciousness has also been greatly heightened in stopping the non-essential tasks and fully attending to my little guy whenever I am near him. I have also become increasingly aware of the need to gleen every bit of meaning from life at any given time. I am more present and mindful when speaking with friends and family-- or grocery store clerks... or delivery persons... or anyone for that matter. I am more attentive to my own self as well-- allowing my emotions to come closer to the surface, sharing my thoughts, hurts, sorrows and joys more willingly.
In essence, this process of losing, although painful, has brought me more joy as well. I am making every attempt to step out of the fear of losing, and step further into the love of 'having' each moment. I am taking more time to breathe in each experience and both relish and cherish each gift of experience that comes my way. I'm also eliminating more and more of the unnecessary distractions of life... the nonsense commercials on t.v. which I 'mute' the second I can... the nonessential trips to the store to get something that could wait a few days longer.... the annoying political phone calls that seem to be flooding the lines these days... and so on.
I want to be better at the process of 'losing'. I want to be more graceful and genuine as I head into these unchartered waters. I want to remain present, even though I may really want to run away from the pain deep inside. In doing so, I know I will gain more and more from each moment, each interaction, and each breath.
Join me in this process.... lose the nonessentials... and gain your consciousness just a little more. Become better in your own 'losing' process, whatever you may be letting go of.
Hold yourself firmly in your consciousness and cry your way to joy!
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